June 2010
6 posts
Enough Iz E-nuff
When beer corporations began shortening the word “light” by two letters and creating the word “lite”, I made not a peep. When superfluous X’s and Z’s standing in for S’s were used to indicate coolness and popularity, I wrote it off as youthful ignorance. But when the advertising on delivery trucks is, for all intents, propaganda for poor grammar, I put my...
Overheard
I overheard a conversation while eating breakfast at a small town diner. A small town in which I was raised, where I lived a happy, productive, and easily above average life. While my memories of said small town are fond, I’m comfortable in stating that the world has more to offer than can be found in this small town. A resident may become defensive at that statement, rightfully if I...
Speaking of airplanes...
…I apologize if this is turning into a cliche’d stand-up routine (What’s the deal with airplane peanuts!??!) but I need to mention one other thing when it comes to traveling via airplanes.
At this point in the history of air travel, a level of responsibility has been placed on the traveler. Where we once could mindlessly arrive at the airport, stroll around with our...
May 2010
4 posts
Writing's On The Wall
Thanks to a delayed flight, I had some extra time to wander the Memphis Airport and I noticed that there is no gate 13 in concourse A. There’s a gate 12 and a gate 14. There are odd numbered gates 11 and 15, just no 13. Without doing any research on the subject (who am I, Seymour Hersh?), I assume this is the case in other concourses and other airports across America (if not at least across...
We're giving them too much credit
During a recent trip via an airplane, I’d decided to not check a bag and just carry on my small suitcase. This decision was made before I arrived at the security check, but after it was too late to shop for travel sized toiletries. So when my toothpaste was confiscated, I took it in stride (though I did find it curious that an even larger container of sun block was okay) as I knew the rules...
April 2010
18 posts
Geronimo!
Stereotyping, or rather basing ones actions and opinions upon stereotypes, is a characteristic of racism. Generally, these stereotypes exist in one form or the other (by definition, for a stereotype to to exist the characteristics of that stereotype must exist), and if one is sensitive to them, one attempts to avoid making/using them.
So, when I give someone an “Indian Burn” (twisting...
Easy Money
Bet I can make you think of an Elephant.
1620
Who’s against this? Is there not a rational argument to be made for every constituent? Only those that are literally crazy, clearly delusional when it comes to defending the illegality of marijuana.
Democrats - It’s a source of taxation that every side has to agree to. Republicans because it’s being “strong on drugs”, Dems by claiming it’s a step to making it...
Parsing "Hey Lover"
On Halloween 1995 L.L. Cool J. (known to us purists as James Todd Smith) released “Hey Lover”, a rap single that had Boys II Men backing him on the chorus. How do I know this, you may ask yourself? Let’s just say that the Ladies Loved Cool Me, too. Revisiting that track some 15 years later, I hear it more as a warning for her safety from Boys II Men than a romantic seduction...
Birth License
You can do very few things of importance in America without obtaining some form of a license, permit, or certificate. Your doctor passed a board certification. Your carpenter obtained a building permit before adding that second bathroom. Your teenaged neighbor had to get a license to (recklessly) drive her car. What they all have in common is that their parents didn’t have to do ANYTHING...
Simple Test
If you can carry on a conversation while doing it, you’re neither exercising or participating in a sport.
Spoiler Alert
Dear TV Show Promotion Department,
I recognize that with each day a new channel is launched, a new device to view said channel is created, and all this creates more and more time to fill with entertaining shows to hopefully be viewed. You’re behind the eight ball in getting viewers to wade through their ADD and find the show you’re hoping they’ll watch on a continuous basis....
I spell mmm, aaa child, nnn
A few things that separate the male of our species from actual “men”:
The Reverse gear. Certainly most all of us can back an automobile up with said gear, but the ability to do so with a trailer attached is both a thing of beauty and a delineation of masculinity.
Daisy-Chaining an Extension Cord. While the ol’ “wrap it around my hand and elbow” trick does look kinda...
Circle(jerk) the Wagons
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/03/world/europe/03church.html?src=me&ref=general
Surely there will come a time, reasonably soon, that the current stance will change. But as of now the Church won’t hold all those responsible for the heinous crimes against children to even a small pittance of justice. This seems not out of fear of culpability but out of fear of responsibility. Many...
March 2010
6 posts
Anti-Christ, Superstar, Who in the world...
Harris Interactive Poll
A poll conducted by Harris Interactive on March 24, 2010 found that 24% of those polled who self-identified as Republicans believe that President Barrack Obama “may be the Anti-Christ”. I’ll not spend the time here to label them as crazy for believing in the Anti-Christ or to point out that there is no correlation between Obama’s life story and the...
Fanatical
”Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.” — Tom Stoppard, author
An audience for any artist is a critical part, possibly by definition, of the existence of the art that is created. Music would exist if no one were to hear it, but for what purpose? Delicacies that are not...
Communication Breakdown
So…let me get this straight. There is a God, who lives in the sky above us, is present in our lives at all times, and can hear each and every one of our prayers (from all seven billion of us) with us only THINKING them. Have I got that right? If so, I must admit that’s a pretty bad ass system, though I’ll grant you that most of the smart phone applications amaze me (you can take...
February 2010
19 posts
My Kid Could Do That
A good lyric is like modern art in that it’s simplicity masks a great deal of emotion and skill, usually distracted by the idea that it can be done by any common audience member. To save space for a few great examples, I’ll rebut this argument by asking “then why don’t you?”. Does anyone assume that the following were just scribbled down in the midst of lunch? Spend...
Worn In Wear Out
There is a trait among American businessmen that always want to do it bigger and better than anyone else (well, except when it comes to Skyscrapers - see Dubai, Japan; Partying - see Rio de Janeiro, Australia; Automobiles - see Japan, Germany; Healthcare - see Netherlands, Canada) and are willing to push their businesses past milestones and goals, and set these goals to the limits of what can be...
Class Mixer
If our society would implement my “Jersey Rule” (the article of clothing, not the state) we’d make large steps closer to becoming a decent and respectable group of people. The basic gist of the rule is that anyone over the age of 13 and not actively participating on a team sport should not be seen in public wearing any form of athletic jersey. What should be apparent in that rule...
Greatest Love Of All
If you utter any semblance of the phrase “I believe the children are our future” you are either:
Insanely Literal - “In the future, these small people will grow in physical and mental size”
Wildly Delusional - “I’m shaping the future of our world for the better by feeding my child fast food, putting a TV in his room, my car, on his iPod and by our kitchen...
Dear John Edwards,
You are not making it easy for me to defend my principles, dear sir.
A brief summation of my stance on extramarital affairs: If your day job isn’t affected, then neither am I. (wouldn’t that look great carved in granite?). Fortunately for this blog (but unfortunately for the institution of marriage), I can list of numerous cases and my stance on each:
Tiger Woods - His job is to play...
The Standing O
I attend many events with crowds (concerts, musicals, football games, plays, cock fights, political rallies, dentist check-ups, etc) many times a year. While not always the case, I typically have enough experience as an audience member to appreciate a good performance from a bad one. Certainly I can recognize when I’ve been entertained, when the entertainer was either doing...
Soy Linear Equation
The Super Bowl is upon us and once again, snacking takes it’s spot as the second most important item of the day (Commercials and Football being first and third, respectfully). For anyone considering using a Soy or Tofu substitute for their meaty Game Day snacks, two direct relationships should be noted:
The degree to how ‘real’ the meat product is, is inversely proportional to...
Break the fast
Nothing competes with breakfast as the greatest meal of the day (and I don’t trust the bisexual brunch, either). So much can be done just with seasoning alone, be it butter ‘n salt in bland grits, cinnamon and blueberries in pancakes, white gravy on white biscuits (yes, I consider gravy seasoning). Not to mention, so many different breakfast items can be combined in a ‘breakfast...