Speaking of...tangents and other random thoughts





Dear John Edwards,

You are not making it easy for me to defend my principles, dear sir.

A brief summation of my stance on extramarital affairs: If your day job isn’t affected, then neither am I. (wouldn’t that look great carved in granite?). Fortunately for this blog (but unfortunately for the institution of marriage), I can list of numerous cases and my stance on each:

  • Tiger Woods - His job is to play golf. So, while playing hole-in-one (see what I did there?) with multiple women who-are-not-my-wife he was able to Rake in boatloads (almost literally) of money, destroy golf records, and make the best golfers in the world, some arguably ever, look like weekend duffers. His day job may have been enhanced by the affairs, but it certainly didn’t hurt it.
  • Bill Clinton - Basically the mascot for my philosophy. The guy ran the country like a Silicon Valley IPO, all while using interns for cigar holders. If it’ll get us back to 90’s prosperity, I’m cool with sending Obama a few ladies from the Hawaiian island of IKINDAWANNALAYYA.
  • Eliot Spitzer - He did things the right way by seeking the services of a professional. So if you want to leave your socks on while you leave your condom off, then knock your…well…socks off. BUT where he breaks my rule is that he prosecuted many people (or at Attorney General pushed for their prosecution) for the same crimes that led to his being busted (wire transfers, money across state boundaries, more words that seem like legal speak when streamed together)
  • Mark Sanford - Well done in banging a hot Argentinean IN Argentina. I think most everyone gives you a high five there. But don’t run a campaign centered around your strong family values and your Bible loving ways…dick.
  • Ted Haggard - I don’t consider myself a Biblical Scholar, but an educated guess is that being banged up the ass by a gay escort while high as bejesus on crystal methamphetamine is an implied Commandment that a Pastor should not break.

(okay, so it was not as brief as I said it would be)

So now we get to you Mr. Edwards. You’re a rich and talented lawyer who makes a quick run at the Senate, hops on the VP slot, then runs for President. Seems a bit shady and vain, but I’m all on board with your message. There are two Americas where the poor one is being under served. Populism at it’s best.  A few hiccups along the way (in your defense, if I had hair like that, I’d preen over it too) but all in all it seems you genuinely do believe in the message you’re preaching. Had you made it all the way through the primary, you’d have had my vote.

But. Then. We get news that you may have been throwing a hump into a blonde lady on your campaign team. Fine, who’s hurt but your wife, and how does that affect your message? Oh yeah, speaking of your wife, you were banging this chick while your wife was being eaten alive by cancer. Um…okay, fine, message is still intact and really, if you’re horny the LAST person you’d want to bang would be someone fighting cancer, right? Then it’s reported you got her preggers. Yeah, it’s a dipshit move if you’re running a Starbucks, much less possibly running the country, but I’ll give you a pass. Who doesn’t like the added excitement of playing Russian Roulette with your cock? Next up is the revelation that the two of you made a sex tape. Dude, this is really, really getting tough to justify, but let’s just go with the fact that she’s a videographer and had a bunch of cameras lying around, one got pushed the wrong way, turned on, and your vain ass enjoyed what was accidently caught. Still, that doesn’t affect how you feel about the lower and middle class, right? Right. So I’m still not a jack ass for supporting your bid for president, you lucked out by not winning and being able to defend your actions, we both go on our merry way and try and focus on finding some less attention grabbing strange. Deal?

Then comes the ol’ straw to test the camel’s back:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/03/john-edwards-beat-up-wife_n_448182.html

Let me get this straight…After fucking around on your cancer stricken wife, impregnating an airheaded hippie, forcing campaign aides to claim their the father of your bastard child, making a sex tape while RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, you make the genius move of smacking around the woman who stuck with you through all that, through her cancer, and through the death of your child?

You completely ruin my philosophy on these matters, but may I say that you certainly did it in style. You, my friend, have gone out with a bang. (see, I did it again!)

Notes